Thursday, December 3, 2009

I fell off the wagon trying to get back on the wagon...

I am in a season of searching. Heart-searching, soul-searching, mind-searching. It seems like nothing feels right anymore. My motivations are skewed, my actions are sinful, and my thoughts are full of anger and cynicism. What is going on? I knew reading through the Bible would likely dredge up some ugly goo, but I honestly haven't been keeping up. Perhaps it's the busyness of the holidays, more likely it's the fact that I self-sabotage everything I do. I don't think I am alone.

I get angry when I see other people getting close to God and feeling those highs. I used to feel them! Why not now? Why am I in the valley? AGAIN? My life is great! Why am I complaining? And I think we all know the answer here. Our lives do not and should not dictate our spiritual well-being or our joy. These are gifts only God can bestow upon us and we will never be able to earn them no matter how clean our homes are or how much money we save. Paige wrote about our purpose as women. I think this could be a gender neutral post in many ways though. As humans, we strive to earn our own well-being and it gets us nowhere. And because of that failing, we become bitter and resentful to the good news that is God's Word.

Reading the Bible like this has been tough for me. I keep trying to "get something out of it". A quick fix or an inspirational verse of the day. I fear that if I keep gambling with Truth, I am going to miss the point entirely.


1 comment:

  1. I think you are spot on in identifying the source of your bitterness. Anytime we deviate from the gospel in self-assessment, we are going to be greatly disappointed. The gospel does point out our severe failure, but follows it with full acceptance and love.